When I was taking a walk, in the middle of the night, through the alley of my home, there was no sound except for the dragging sound of my suitcase. Not a soul stirred. One would think that walk would have been quite an anxious one for me as I was walking away from home, but no, it was nothing for me. Nothing as in, I did not feel anything, only numbness clouded my mind. I had no thought, no strategy, and no idea of what was next. The stroll in the darkness oddly calmed me as I observed the familiar empty surroundings that I was so used to being crowded. Children playing, women gossiping, shops attending to customer, dogs barking at the passing cars, were all now at a standstill. The small street seemed big and spacious.
Now, as I was sitting here trying to figure out a way forward, I was confused. This did not make sense because confusion was the very reason I wanted to leave. I had figured some distance from everyone I knew, would help me make some sense of my life.
A scream snapped me out of my stance. I looked around and realized the little girl had slipped. The parents rushed to her aid. The mother caressed her, her father examined the wound on her knee and the brother rushed to get some water. I offered to help but it seemed that everything was covered. The wailing had now reduced to sobs as the bleeding subsided. A little bit of first aid and she was good to play again.
As I reoccupied my seat, I could hear myself thinking, “These are her person”. There was this famous dialogue in the series I used to follow, Grey’s Anatomy, where one friend says to another that she was her person, which meant that in times of distress and difficult decisions and complicated situations, they were the ones there for each other and would always have to be.
I can support myself financially even though resources were pretty tight at the moment. I was confident of my abilities but money was the least of my problems. Survival depends on the people around you. Survival depends on the fact that who surrounds you as your person, your support system. Sure my family drove me mad, but whose doesn’t. You do face problems in friendships and relationships. Some things work out, some don’t. There doesn’t necessarily have to be a good or bad outcome, sometimes an okay outcome also helps.
Was my running away the actual solution to my dilemma? Would I be able to survive without these people in my life? If I do go away now, and be what I want to be, would I be able to return back to them? Will I be able to share what I had with them? Yes, I did have confidence in my abilities but is isolating myself the best way of reaching my true potential?